FAQ

Are there universal solutions for everyone (10 steps to eternal bliss)?

Of course such “recipes don’t exist. The causes, manifestations and consequences of similar states are usually very different in different cases. Only a thorough research of a specific person and their demands could give all the necessary information for a successful solution. However, there are practices that are useful for many if not for all.
I will offer you some examples of such practices that you can use on your own.
1) Gratitude
There are numerous exercises that help us concentrate on things that go well in life. Even in the most difficult of circumstances there remains a great deal of reasons to consider oneself a lucky person. For example, to read this text you need to be blessed with sight, ability to read, access to a computer (mobile phone, tablet) and a moment of free time to use all of this. There are not that many people on the planet that have all of those. So, here go some options of how to practice gratitude:
– every night before falling asleep list 10 things that you are grateful for;
– every night remember 3 moments of the day, when you felt happiness or pleasure, and think about the reasons for that;
– hang a poster-sized piece of paper on a wall (or carry a special notebook with you), and note there everything you feel grateful for. Begin by listing 10-15 things, and then every day add at least one more.

2) Meditation
This word encompasses a wide range of practices that promote grounding in the present moment, strengthening of the connection with the inner observer, and calm acceptance of reality. Regular meditation benefits all sides of life: physical state improves (cardiovascular and immune systems, and energy level etc.); cognitive abilities increase (attention span, memorization, information processing, decision making etc.); emotional state stabilizes (less prone towards depression, anxiety and impulsivity, better overall mood, self-esteem and self-acceptance, more optimism). All of the above are just a part of what can be gained by regular long-term meditation practice. This is very important to know because the results usually come later than you expect, but the longer you practice, the stronger and more durable the results. On the bright side: you won’t need more than 20-30 minutes a day to notice the difference.
You can investigate yourself which one of the numerous options of meditation suits you best. Personally I enjoy Mindfulness. You can learn the basics on your own using the practical guide by M. Williams and D. Penman “Mindfulness: A practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world”. It has been a great help to me.

3) Physical activity
For physical activity to have a positive effect on your emotional life, it has to be consistent (same as meditation). It is enough to find a pleasant 10-15 minute long training routine and do it every day at a convenient time, and you will notice how you become happier and more energized. It is important for the activity to be really enjoyable. You can dance crazy to a song you love (my activity of choice), ride a bike, perform favorite yoga asanas, jump – the range of options is endless.
4) Diary
Psychologists have invented a great variety of written practices. Depending on a specific case I suggest one or another. But the diary still remains the most well known and widespread of all. Pen and paper (or keyboard and screen) help us create a distance between us and our lives, see events from a different angle. A lot of people experience this possibility to step aside as empowering. It gives a sense of control over oneself and one’s life. Often we feel engulfed, overwhelmed, drowning in a whirlpool of tasks, thoughts and feelings. A diary helps structure things, put them in order and see in a new light.
5) Creativity
Creating something out of nothing is a magic. It has its own value, because it affects the inner world in a similar manner as an open window affects a stuffy room. The result doesn’t matter. There is no need to know how to paint, sing, play, write, dance etc. It is enough to enjoy the process and feel that you are expressing something deeply intimate and important.
6) Appreciation
The first 5 practices have to do primarily with one’s relationship with oneself (this is where it usually makes sense to start), but this last one is about relationships with important Others. This practice has a preliminary stage: check if your relationship with this person is based on mutual respect. It might seem to go without saying, however it is the closest to us that tend to be overlooked the first. Here are some questions that will help you evaluate the state of your relationship:
– Do we greet each other upon meeting and parting? (for a couple upon waking and going to sleep as well)
– Do we say “Thank you”, “please” and “I am sorry” to each other?
– Do we say hurtful things? If you have any doubt about this one – ask if your words offend the Other. Sometimes we might see as harmless or funny things that would cause pain to the Other.
– Do we cause physical harm to each other?
If you answered “yes” to the first two and “no” to the last two, go on to the description of the practice. This introductory part might feel excessive to you, but relationships that lack respect are much more widespread than most of us like to believe. If you saw that you or your close one are not fully respectful – this is what has to change first of all. No practice, training or exercise can improve a relationship based on disrespect.
The practice of appreciation of the Other consists of two simple elements that have to be performed every day (or every time you spend time together, if you are thinking of a person that doesn’t live with you). 1) At least once sincerely and explicitly thank them for something good, that this person has done or is doing for you (for example, “thank you for making me laugh, I was in such a bad mood today” or “thank you for buying my favorite cheese, it is very important to feel how you care about me”). 2) Say at least one sincere compliment, noticing something you really like in them (it doesn’t have to be only about appearance).

Do I need to see a psychologist?

Some people need years to even visit a dentist; no wonder it takes time to go to a psychologist – it’s not pleasant, expensive and there’s no guarantee of success. It seems easier to clench your teeth and carry on, or complain to a friend about people or events that upset you, or get drunk, or take a sleeping pill… The list is long, but these methods only help you to achieve short-term relief, they nearly never work long-term. So there is no need to wait for the teeth to be ground to dust, or for the use of the substance that helps you deal with life to become abuse. It makes more sense to look for help as soon as possible.
You would most likely benefit from seeing a psychotherapist, if:
• You are not content with your life and do not see what practical steps could change this (I won’t be able to help you earn enough for a new flat or find you a suitable partner, but I could help you examine what it is that you need, what stands in your way and which steps will take you in the desired direction).
• You see that there is something in your character or inner world that interferes with living the way you want or consider right.
• You had an experience that is affecting you so much, that you cannot live the way you want or consider right.
You shouldn’t see a psychotherapist (at least not me) if:
– You are not ready to work on yourself and are not interested in change.
– You expect me to give you pills (I have no right to prescribe them) or simple solutions of the “10 steps to total happiness” type.
– You want a recipe for changing another person.

How to find a suitable specialist?

So you have decided to visit a psychologist. Whom do you choose?
To begin with, most of us psychologists are very devoted to our approach, so among the information about ourselves we usually say which school we belong to. Why – is a big question. It is experimentally proven that it has little importance to the clients, because the efficiency of different approaches is nearly equal. The basic requirement is for the specialist to be certified in his or her country of residence and preferably to belong to a professional association. The importance of this is that such psychotherapeutic associations see to their member’s personal psychotherapy, supervision and continuous professional development. To you as a client this means that the psychotherapist of choice is up to date about the newest developments in their area, and would seek help from colleagues (usually more experienced ones) if in any doubt about your case.
Experience is also very important. Although psychotherapeutic education is important, I notice ever more that the actual hours of work with real people are more important still. Unfortunately generalized “10 years of practice” in the CV could mean anything from 8 hours a day to 1 client a year. Try to research where, when and with what type of problems did this specialist work.
Recommendations are an ambiguous thing: on the one hand, you know that this specialist has helped someone, on the other, the results of our work are worthy when they endure, and an enthusiastic participant of a recent work-shop can be unaware of how she or he would feel after some months or years.
All in all, the best idea would be to go to a qualified specialist with long and varied experience, one who belongs to a professional association. The main thing is to let yourself spend some time to find the professional about whom you’ll have a good feeling. The same studies that show that most of the approaches are equally effective, state that maybe the most important element of beneficial and useful psychotherapy is the relationship between the therapist and the client. Choose the professional with whom you would be willing to co-create this very special therapeutic relationship, and towards whom you would feel a liking. Sometimes for this to happen you need to see more than one psychologist before making up your mind, but it’s worth the time and effort.

Psychologist, psychotherapist, counselor, coach, psychiatrist – what’s the difference?

Psychologist is a generic name for a profession (like, for example, engineer), within which there are numerous subdivisions. Psychologist is not just the person who insistently invites you to “talk about it”, but also the one who is studying memory, perception, cognition and other processes in a lab; and the one who advises politicians in their election campaigns, using knowledge of social psychology; and the one who headhunts for companies. There are even psychologists who specialize in animals. The majority of psychologists have nothing to do with couches, neuroses and dream interpretations. Usually, in order to become a psychologist one has to graduate from a university psychology department.
Among all those qualified psychologists there are those who decide to take the thorny path of psychological help and become psychotherapists and/or counselors. To do so it is necessary to chose one of the existing schools and continue studying (although some start counseling directly after graduating). The difference between the approaches seems vast and insurmountable from within the profession, although clients in most cases wouldn’t feel any difference (see How to find a suitable specialist?) Training in most of the schools implies prolonged psychotherapy and supervision of the future therapist (see Why are the sessions so expensive?) As a result, depending on the depth and length of training a psychologist can become counselor or psychotherapist. Both can help you overcome a difficult vital situation, understand yourself and improve your quality of life.
To become a coach one does not have to go through all these long years of studying. There are special programs of different duration that prepare coaches. The word itself hints at the essence of this profession: to train people to achieve specific goals in one of the areas of their lives.
If you or one of your close ones has a mental disorder, distress or illness, than you should contact a psychiatrist and/or psychotherapist. A psychiatrist, unlike all the above, is a medical doctor. He has a right to prescribe medicines (the others cannot).
The qualifications are often combined. For example, I am a clinical psychologist, existential counselor and dance/movement psychotherapist. In terms of time, it means 5 years at university, 4 years of existential analysis training, and 4 years of dance/movement therapy training.

What if it is a mental illness?

It is hard and scary to talk about mental illness. But it is very important not to keep it secret. A lot of people experience at one moment or another an episode of what could be categorized as a mental illness. Depression alone affects 20-25% of the population at some point in life, according to different studies. Meanwhile, even in cases of major depression less then 50% of people seek professional help.
Grief, tiredness, stress, aggression, even changes of perception are a normal and necessary part of life. But sometimes this part wins over the rest and becomes too persistent, or too acute. If you suspect that your state goes beyond the limits of what you experience as normal, find a specialist to help you. The earlier you do so, the more chances you will have to stay afloat. As a clinical psychologist I always tell my clients if they should consider seeing a psychiatrist.
Psychiatry, at least in Europe, doesn’t necessarily mean hospital incarceration and heavy pharmacological treatment any more. Non-pharmacological approaches develop all the time (for example in Finland). At the same time, there are cases when limited drug treatment can help build solid ground for further psychotherapeutic work. People, who suffered episodes of mental illness (sometimes even chronic) often return to successful professional and personal life. It is very important to seek help in time and to know that a psychiatric diagnosis is not a lifelong sentence, but a guide for action.

What should I expect when I come for my first session?

It largely depends on the approach that your therapist or counselor practices. The Freudian couch that many clients expect to find has become, to a large extent, part of history. Today the majority of psychotherapists invite their client to sit rather than lie down (although conventional psychoanalysts still exist). At the first meeting most therapists will encourage you to introduce yourself, say a little about your story and the question that brought you to them, as well as to ask any questions you might have about the professional and his or her approach. Usually the first meeting already brings some relief and clarity, due to the possibility to open up and from the respectful attention of the psychotherapist or counselor. At the end of the first session, I (and a lot of my colleagues) discuss the general plan and conditions of our future work (see What does “setting mean in therapy”?)
There are special methods available in psychotherapy, such as body therapy, dance/movement therapy, art therapy and others. They have a solid theoretic and experimental basis and can be not less but even more effective in some cases compared to the traditional “talking” therapy. If such methods are to be used the space can differ greatly from what is expected. For example, I conduct dance/movement therapy in a big hall with cushions of all sizes, cloths, play-dough, paint, balls and other special instruments. However the first meeting is usually held in a more neutral environment that helps us to get to know each other. There we discuss methods that would serve us best.

What will I get after one visit? How long does psychotherapy last?

The content of the first session strongly depends on each psychotherapist. Usually we get to know each other, the psychologist hears out the client’s questions and wishes, we look at whether we fit together/ I always ask myself: will I be able to help? If the answer is NO I say so straight away (see Do I need to see a psychologist?). If it is YES, we can outline a generalized plan of work. Often I suggest to clients a commitment of 5 sessions to feel my style of work and afterwards make a decision if they need to continue. The first session often brings a feeling of relief, because you let out things that have been inside for a long time. In very rare occasions this alone might be enough. Usually the questions that have to do with counseling (when we work on resolving a practical problem by using specific steps and strategies) take about 10 sessions; deeper problems could take a lot longer.
Often clients stop to come when they start to feel relief from the tension that initially brought them to me. I understand the desire to enjoy a tranquil life and the resistance towards plunging into painful depths of oneself, but even so I advise to stay a little longer and see where lies the source of this tension to prevent it from repeating months or years later.
Many clients leave without saying Good Bye: don’t come back after a vacation, miss a week and stop coming. This can be due to different reasons. However good/bad you feel I suggest you ask your psychologist for a last session and complete the process. This is very important for the results to endure. Sometimes it is this last session that gives you a special insight, because everything that has to do with a clear and good ending of relationships and businesses tends to be challenging to many people. No professional and ethical psychotherapist/counselor would ever make you stay by manipulating you in any way. The decision to end therapy is always yours. If you have come to a decision to stop you will always be able to return if new questions, goals or circumstances arise.

What’s wrong with me?

This is not a question about psychotherapy, but definitely the leader among the frequently asked questions within the session. Asking this and similar questions, the client usually wants to know their diagnosis, or the origin of the problem, or the guidelines as to what she or he should change (or combinations of the above).
A) Diagnosis. We tend to like to know the name of the problem even when it doesn’t help us solve it. The human psyche has a tendency to label and categorize phenomena (including other people) in order to feel some control over them. In fact it is a dangerous illusion. After naming our state we turn away from the inner reality towards specialists’ advice and the Internet. If I am not dealing with an illness, I prefer not to give common names to unique experiences. Another matter would be to invent an equally unique name for it, draw it, dance it…
B) Origins of the problem. Psychologists are known for looking into the past in order to figure out the present. Such an investigation of the client’s history may in fact be very useful, but of itself it doesn’t have a special value. It is far more important to understand how to move forwards. More than once I have encountered people, who got stuck in this quest for the origin of problems, going as far back as past lives. I think such an approach may be useful if there are no visible ways to advance.
C) Guidelines. If only it was so easy! I would say: “Start trusting others”, or “Stop feeling indebted to others” or “Stop criticizing people all the time and they will like you more”. And you’d listen, do as I recommend and become a harmonious, happy human being. But it doesn’t work. At least not straight away and in very rare cases. Usually, clients don’t accept what is said: doesn’t hear it; deny it; accepts it but can’t do anything. So you will have to reach the conclusions and guidelines yourselves. Of course you will have support, help and attentive accompaniment from your therapist.

Why are the sessions so expensive?

This question usually baffles me and some of my colleagues. Knowing the market prices I understand that my services are far from the most expensive. At the same time, stepping into my clients’ shoes I understand that psychotherapy is a largely ephemeral process. There is nothing you can touch or measure, like, for example, a crown after visiting a dentist. It is often more difficult to pay for what you can’t see. I will try to explain using specific examples that you as clients pay for and what we psychologists charge for.
Adults usually come to me in a dissatisfied state, Each person deals with it in their own way, but the majority is already spending money to dull unpleasant feelings: shopping, food, alcohol, drugs, endless travelling, extreme sports – all require investment and can bring long-term satisfaction only if a person already enjoys life as it is. Many psychological symptoms with time become physical, which have to be (not always successfully) treated by doctors or healers. Finally, our internal “black holes” usually absorb a lot of energy, which could be directed towards work and interesting and profitable projects. Successful and timely psychotherapy helps avoid unnecessary expenses and find strength and energy for engaging and profitable activity.

In the case of children it is a bit more complicated: it is hard to say what are the characteristics that currently seem problematic to the parents. Maybe these individual qualities will help them in future? This is why my task with children is to support their developmental path and help them with any emotional difficulties if the circumstances become too difficult (conflicts within the family, changes of environment, loss of a family member, illnesses etc.). Maybe such an approach would help your family economy, or maybe you’ll have to spend even more on new interests of your child.
When it comes to the specialist, if their professional level is high enough (see How to find an appropriate specialist?), the psychotherapist will spend a significant part of their earnings on supervision (consultations with more experienced colleague), professional courses, conferences, special literature and personal psychotherapy. Only in this case can a psychotherapist offer you good quality work. Among other things, the majority of psychologists does not work from home, but rent an office (see why can’t we meet at my flat, café or hotel?). So of what you pay to a psychologist at least half of it goes towards “working materials”.

Why can’t we meet at my flat, café or hotel? What does “setting” mean in therapy?

When you come for psychotherapy, you enter a special space, where your inner world becomes the center of attention. Clear limits of this space are essential to the effectiveness of this endeavor. These limits are called “setting”; they include the time, space, frequency, cost and general structure of the session. It is also very important for the space to be neutral, free of additional stimuli and “anchors” (connections that we unconsciously create with the images, sounds, smells etc.)
Once I had a client who had great difficulty with the time limits I set. He always insisted that I should be more flexible. Among other reasons he claimed that psychotherapy is a gift similar to that of a musician or poet, and it depends on inspiration. This argument of his was very valuable for me, because it became a basis for a good metaphor. Music and poetry in most cases are built upon a strong, almost mathematical framework. This is exactly the thing that allows one to find the best way to express feelings, experiences, and inspirations. Similarly, the “magic” of psychotherapy can happen only within the set limits, otherwise it evaporates or becomes a cacophony.

Why my therapist can’t also be my friend in daily life? Why do many therapists refrain from answering personal questions?

If we were to expand our relationship beyond the limits of therapy, we would put the whole process in danger. There are several reasons for this. First of all, when we communicate with our therapist, we (mostly unconsciously) metaphorically “dress them up” in costumes and masks (of mother, partner, insensitive villain, ideal super person etc.) And it is an important part of the process. For this to happen, a client’s knowledge about the psychotherapist’s personal life should be limited. The less we know about someone the easier it is to attribute certain qualities to them. Secondly, for a good therapist everything that is going on in the session is significant content (how does the client enter, take off his or her coat, open/close the door etc.) I can’t pretend as though this doesn’t exist if we go to a café or an exhibition, and this kind of attention is hard work which I wouldn’t like to engage in during my spare time. Thirdly, a psychotherapist’s work is paid for with money. If we get together outside the office, some other process of exchange will begin: for example I might feel I owe you some special attention (because our relationship became different, special). This will disturb the clarity of my perception: instead of paying attention on what actually happens in the session, I might try too hard to be a great therapist for you, and obsess about a technique that I should have used 15 minutes ago.
Limitation of so-called “multiple relationships” is a standard and belongs to the ethical code of most professional associations (for example, American Psychotherapy Association). Following such a code is obligatory. At the same time the degree of the therapist’s disclosure depends on their approach. Personally, I think it is possible (and useful) to share personal information (stories, examples) with a client only in specific circumstances, when it is required by the psychotherapy process. Otherwise it can have a negative effect.